People experiencing coercive control often maintain contact with a perpetrator for a complex mix of reasons, and it’s rarely a simple choice.
One major factor is fear. The perpetrator has usually established a pattern of threats and intimidation, making the person genuinely afraid of what might happen if they try to leave or cut off contact. This fear can extend to threats against their children, pets, family or even themselves.
Another powerful element is trauma bonding. This is a psychological response where the person develops an unhealthy attachment to their abuser due to cycle of abuse and intermittent positive reinforcement. The perpetrator might be charming and loving at times, creating confusion and a distorted sense of hope that things will get better.
Isolation is also key. Perpetrators often deliberately isolate their pattern from friends, family and support networks, making them feel like they have nowhere else to go or no one to turn to. This makes the perpetrator the person’s sole source of information, approval and sometimes even financial support.
Economic dependence is a huge barrier. The perpetrator might control all the finances, leaving the person with no money, no job, or no access to resources needed to leave. They might also threaten to ruin the person’s reputation or career.
Finally, there is often a deep sense of shame, guilt, and eroded self-worth. The perpetrator systematically undermines the persons confidence and self-esteem, making them believe they are worthless, unlovable, or even that they deserve the abuse. This makes it incredibly difficult for them to envision a life without the perpetrator or to believe they can survive on their own.
I continued contact because I still loved him, I wanted to change him I wanted to be the person he changed his behaviour for so each time I went back, I was hanging to hope that was never there. It was there in my mind because that’s what he wanted me to think and believe. I had to believe something, for me to go back.
Even when I wasn’t living with him and I’d left, as soon as that message came through, I answered it immediately. You don’t think of anything when you have been conditioned, you are still on autopilot and all my brain knew was, if I don’t answer this message there will be consequences. That is the power of coercive control.
I appreciate that the persistence contact between me and him, baffled family and friends but it wasn’t me being weak or giving him consent to carry on controlling me but a harrowing testament of the insidious power of coercive control. I was meticulous constructed by a web of fear, isolation, and psychological manipulation. I remained connected due to terror-fear for my safety.
Coercive control needs to be recognised as a deeply ingrained and inescapable patter, rather than a serious of isolated decisions. A person experiencing coercive control are frequently trapped in a psychological and practical labyrinth were the perpetrator has systematically dismantled their autonomy, self-worth, and external support systems. This dynamic is sustained by a potent cocktail of fear – not just physical harm, but of financial ruin, social ostracization or the loss of children, coupled with profound trauma bonding, where intermittent positive reinforcement from the perpetrator creates a distorted sense of hope and loyalty.
It’s so Important to remember, when we meet a perpetrator, we don’t know they are a perpetrator. We fall in love with the caring partner. Perpetrators don’t come with a handbook or a red light above their head.
To effectively support individuals who are experiencing coercive control, professionals must understand the impact of coercive control and challenge the victim-blaming narratives that permeate societal responses.
Instead of saying, why don’t they just leave. Rigorously examine why they are unable to leave safely, what barriers are preventing them from doing so. It is imperative that all professionals recognise continued contact not as a failure but as a direct consequence of the perpetrators calculated tactics and the profound psychological and practical imprisonment they enforce.
If we aren’t talking about coercive control we aren’t talking about domestic abuse because it’s there at the beginning and it’s there at the end. It’s the thread that runs through domestic abuse.
